Do You Want To Know What Your Teenager Is Feeling - Elizabeth Bennet

ST Intro/Outro: 00:00:10

Welcome to soul talk. The podcast founded and created by Monica Romirez, The Warrior of Love. Soul Talk was created in 2020, when a pandemic hit, and we were in lockdown. She wanted to have exciting conversations with open minded people, so they could understand different aspects of herself. And she could help others in the same way. She interviews, healers, coaches, therapists, psychics, readers, channelers, mediums, intellectuals, poets, artists, and more. She calls it Soul Talk, because it started as a conversation from soul to soul.

Monica Ramirez: 00:00:48

Hello, everyone, this is Monica Ramirez, Warrior of love. And welcome back to Soul talk. And today, we have a very good friend of mine that I met in Harvard, and Botox. She was one of the speakers. And when I start talking to her, she is she have a speciality and something that all parents with teenagers we need. And I'm so grateful that she accepted her invitation for so talk. And her name is Elizabeth Bennett. And let me read you a little bit before we present her a little bit. What is she do to help parents navigate the world of teenager with an over 35 years of teaching administration and coaching experience, Elizabeth offers a unique blend of leadership and vision and vast knowledge of background. And honestly, Elizabeth, she's been my savior for my own teenager. And, and they can't you guys have to listen to her and hear her out. Elizabeth, thank you so much for accepting my invitation.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:02:00

Well, thank you for considering me, Monica. It's and it's a delight to be here with you. Thank you,

Monica Ramirez: 00:02:06

Lisa, I know you've been in the teaching and for 35 years, for 35 years. And you got out of school, and what made you decide to become a coach for

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:02:20

Well, I had been doing some coaching obviously along the way with parents, because oftentimes parents would come to see me and they would say things like, you know, I don't understand what's going on with my child. You know, this hasn't happened before or, you know, I I don't know how to connect, I don't know what to say to them. I don't know how to engage. And I feel like we're, we're separate and we're moving away from each other. So can you help. So with that kind of conversation, and then the conversation of the students who, who I've, you know, coached or mentored or, you know, even just talking and walking in the hallway, and so on. And they would say things like, you know, my parents don't understand me, they don't get me, you know, they, I feel like I don't have a voice. Nobody listens. You know, I don't know how to connect with them. And then all we do is yell and so I want it to be that bridge, or that chasm, or that filling that gap between what students are saying or what teens are saying and what their parents are saying and what they're going through. Because in the bigger picture of it, they're both, they both end up being heartbroken. Because neither one can connect. Neither one feels like they're listened to, or they're valued or so on. And even as a parent, sometimes they feel that way too. So when I was in education, I, you know, I had that, that was part of, of what was going on in my life throughout the years, whether it was when I was a classroom teacher, or when I first started in administration. And then as I ended my career as a school principal. And so I felt that I wasn't finished, I wanted to continue to do this work, because I'm heartbroken by the statistics that indicate that suicide is the second cause of death of teens. And we have children who are eight and nine years old, who have barely started this life, they're still babies, and they're taking their lives because they don't see beyond this day. And so, you know, I, I use this opportunity now to be able to have conversation with parents, to get them to take a look differently. Just a different perspective. This is not about judgment. This is simply just about how about if you try this, rather than saying, you know, like, Hi, how was your day? Because that usually ends up only having a one word response. Basically, it's fine from the team, right? And the parent is saying, Well, you know, like, tell me about your day. Well, what do you do all day? Well, nothing. Well, what do you mean, you did nothing, right? So you can see that S and you can hear that escalation. Meanwhile, the the teenager is becoming sort of complacent or whatever. And up goes that hoodie in Go, the earbuds out comes the cell phone, and they're out of there. Now, they're brokenhearted, too. Because their parent didn't ask them a different kind of question. Or didn't want to investigate? And it's not. It's, it's not the parents fault, either. Because if you only have one way of being able to see things or think of things, you wouldn't necessarily think of another question, because you think the question you're asking is okay, and it is, I mean, how was your day is a good question. But if you typically get the same kind of response, then you need to think of something different. So it might not be a question, or it might be like a sentence starter. So telling me something that happened in your day, which is a little, just a tiny shift, to help that open the conversation.

Monica Ramirez: 00:06:11

And the worst part that I seen with teenagers that once in a while I also coach teenagers. And of course, you can't control your kids. It doesn't work like that, like everybody knows, try to talk to your kid, and they're close already to you. You need someone else to talk to them. And the majority of the time, even if you're very close to your kid, if you need someone else to break through, it doesn't matter how close you are. And well, that's the part. I feel that the majority of the parents that I observe and see or do not live in a different time. Is I still here there because I say so. You're gonna do this because I say so nervous conditions attached. And the teenager that is so completely hormonal, they already feel invalidated. And more for this time, it was a very different time when he when he used to say, because I say so. Yeah. How do you deal with parents that they do not comprehend the damage they're doing to their kid. Because they've never piece time.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:07:31

The piece about that is, I help them to understand that that was where they lived. And those were the expectations of a time when they were growing up. Which is it is very similar to mine. So my parents said things like, you know, speak only when you're spoken to children should not be seen and not heard, you know, money doesn't grow on trees, the typical kinds of things. And what I learned from that, even from my own family was, that was of their time, that was an expectation of the time. And it was likely what they heard from their parents as well. Because I mean, when I look at my own parents based on their age now, you know, their families were in the depression, or they were children during the Depression. So there wasn't, there wasn't lots going on, everything was very strict. You, you know, I said, they asked you do it, that's it, either a strap came out or a spoon or something, because you would get that on your backside. Right? As we move from that, I noticed that my parents were still in that same place as well. And I mean, I lived through and, and grew up. And also, I mean, with my own professional development and my own personal development and growth and so on. I understand that. That's what they knew. And that was it. There wasn't, there weren't books that they could read, nor do they have the time because both of my parents were working, as are many parents now, in this difficult and tumultuous time, where, you know, they're they're trying to do the best for their children. They're trying to get them to do things, they're taking them or paying for activities for them to be in and they're busy working. And so they don't see that their words really do have an impact and that it's a filter that they're looking through from their life behind them. And so what what I what I strive to do, and I'm certain that it's it's similar to with you in chatting with parents is to be able to open those, those blinders and it's this is not about judgment. This is simply just take a look and understand that your filters and your background have an impact on how you respond.

Monica Ramirez: 00:09:56

Sure, it is. They are so terrified the parents to judge their own parents not in a bad way, just to observe what things went wrong with them. We hear that the in Mexico we call it the chancellor, the sandal?

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:10:17

Oh, yes. Okay,

Monica Ramirez: 00:10:18

The flight that fly in check that the flying style, because we will grow up with the flying template. And we, and they don't want us to observe that part, what wrong, what things were wrong with our parents, because we don't want to repeat the same mistakes. Because the results are not gonna be the same. The kids nowadays can be they're brilliant, they're smarter, they're, they're different than the generations that we grew up is not the same kind of generations, because they have way more information to start, they have Google, we did not have Google years before it was it was very different. Now they can get all the information they want from anything on internet, he didn't get it at home, they were gonna get it in the school, but they're gonna get it. So it's very different time that the kids are coming now than when we were growing up. And those parents are too afraid to look at the mistakes that the parent did. So they can change it.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:11:22

Well, and I think I think there's a space to Monica, where we need to be able to, they need to be able to give themselves permission to know that their parents did the best they could not this is not, you know, blaming them, this is not doing anything. Because I mean, we could be in that blame game. And that just spirals us down. But to acknowledge and to see that it was a way of being at that time, they did the best they could with what they knew at that time. And they felt that they were doing a good job. And they didn't know that they could have conversation with other people. Because things at that point in time were much more secretive. You know, if something happened in your home, that was where it was nobody talked about it. Yeah, it was zip. Now, you know, we have this opportunity to be able to have parents have conversation. And that's, that's what I do. That's, that's part of what my focus is, is to give parents some new and exciting skills about being able to have courageous conversations with their teams, because it's, you're absolutely right, we are in a different time. And this is not about losing control, or thinking that oh, my god, now you know, we're just going to be best friends, because that's not the answer, either. We need to be able to find a space and a place. And this is what I talk about with parents in order to find a place in a space that has boundaries. Because you still are the parent and they still are your child, it doesn't matter how old they are, oh my god, I go and visit my mother right now. And she's, you know, in her late 80s. And she still, you know, points her finger and says, Don't talk to me like that, right. So I respect the whole idea that she's still my mother. And I and I think that space where we are now really is about navigating relationship. And it is about listening, and understanding. And that's one of the tenants or one of the strategies that I work with, is, and I actually have five of them. Five strategies of dedicated listening, where you don't start with judgment, but you start with listening. Yeah, because you need to put that judgment on the back seat because your children are of a different time. And so they have, they have different things to say they have a different perspective than we have, as adults.

Monica Ramirez: 00:13:56

I don't know to what point and human beings forgot what it was unconditional love and more for a parent. Because what is really unconditional love is remove the judgment. Yeah. And just love. I'm not gonna say it and not punish them or praise them for whatever mistake they do. I'm not saying that, that do not be a parent. But when you're judging every single step they're doing, to not teach. And you're, instead of teaching, you're just judging and they are gonna close down. But part of loving them. It is teaching for clay that they can make better choices and not making choices for them. Because sometimes they need to learn from their own mistakes.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:14:41

Right? So it's a new place of modeling. So that when you demonstrate the way that in which you react to something, they're looking and they're watching, and although they might not say anything, they're still you know, filing that back here to say Well, that's how my that's how my mother did it, or that's what my father did. And so therefore, it must be okay. So that's when we have to take that step and say, Are we making the best choices? And are we responding in a way that we think we might like our children to respond?

Monica Ramirez: 00:15:18

We do the same is the kids are observing us how we act as a parents thing, we, we observe our parents, and following the same recipe. But if that recipe will really know their results, if we go back to our our own inner feelings, how we make us feel, that when we could not say our truth, or we have to hide our things, I will keep our kid it doesn't matter. Our kid is feeling this actly the same way. As we felt we make memory, it doesn't matter. How old are you? You still remember your horrible teenager years? When the moment you remember, oh, gosh, I my daughter asked me all the time. How do you deal with that when you were a teenager? And like, oh, well, for me, it was horrible when he died. And this happiness, also, I would not make that same choice. Because it took me to this and this and this. And this. That's a teaching moment. We do not talk and we are not vulnerable with our kids. They already know of Mr. Weiner teenagers, that we're not Superman or Superboy. Because Superman, they already know that because we're in that time and the teenagers, they have the stage that we're in the weight kind of their enemies. And is is weird when you find a kid that they don't see the parent as their enemy when they're teenagers. Am I right?

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:16:44

Yes, and I think I think that's, and you mentioned a point about it before about being more more vulnerable. Now, I know, on this spectrum of parenthood, too, you know, we we started in this spectrum where, like, with my parents or with yours, or your grandparents or so on, you know, the pendulum was way over here. And everything was secretive, and everything was, you know, you don't tell anybody anything, this is, you know, whatever is going on in our house is going on here. And you can't say anything. And now it's swung all the way in the other direction, that sometimes children know too much. They know too much about the things that happen in the home that sometimes some of the, the conversations with adults should just be there until such time, as you feel that you can share some of it. Now, with that, too, you know, we are hoping that the pendulum comes someplace in the middle here, where we can have some conversation with our teenagers and say, Look, you know, this is going on, you've probably noticed or, you know, we're having some difficulties or, you know, or something that happened at work or, or being let me think of an example, let's say, for example, Sophie comes home, and you've been out and working and doing whatever, and you know, something happened with someone that you were in relationship. And so you're angry about that. And she comes in the door, and, you know, she says something or does something or she leaves a plate on the counter, whatever the situation is, right? And you say something. Now the response that the response that you could think of in your head is, oh, my God, that had nothing to do with her. Um, Sophie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that happened. You know, I was having a bad day or somebody just, you know, annoyed me. I could use other language, but we'll, we'll keep it safe. And you know that that person just annoyed me. We've been chatting about this for a while, the situation isn't resolved. And I got angry with you. And I'm sorry, that sometimes doesn't even happen in house. Right? That kid gets nailed for that dish that's on, which is way more I mean, the parent got ballistic over something that really was inconsequential. Okay, the plates on the counter, you keep? Well, they do that all the time. Okay, so have a conversation about it. You know, it's not helpful when you leave your plate on the counter, could you put it in the dishwasher? That's it. Or they're in the response to how you how you reacted to her about saying, Oh, look, I you know what, I'm really sorry. I realized that I got angry with you more than I needed to. You know, this is what happened in the day or you don't even need to explain you can just say that wasn't about you and I'm sorry. Or being able to be way more vulnerable in terms of saying you know what, I I feel happy or I feel sad or I feel because we often as adults are so guarded with our Emotions. That's also what we're modeling for our children. So they don't know how to respond. And oftentimes, you'll see them not having any emotion at all because they don't know what to do with what's inside. And so sometimes it will be, they'll get angry at something because they got into trouble at home and off they go, and they, they nail a kid in the playground. And so there's there's that space where we have to have those conversations in order to explain the impact of our words and the impact of our actions.

: 00:20:40

Welcome, then choosing to be part of this group, you have said yes to yourself, you've chosen to confront those limitations keeping you from achieving the life of your dreams. Monica Ramirez, warrior of love is a transformational belief coach. She's a psychic, Channeler certified NLP life coach BQ ah, that is hypnotherapy, Akashic Records reader, public speaker, writer and artist, she works with many modalities and is created her own like this one, to help you let go of the limitations and achieve the transformation you desire. So you can anchor your emotions that you desire. Gonna go we'll be hosting a new session every Tuesday at 7pm Central Time, leading the group through a guided meditation then proceeding to work with people individually. So join Monica here in this free journey by joining this seemed like.

Monica Ramirez: 00:21:29

I learn a long time ago, more with Sophie, she was she's been my amazing teacher, my daughter, my teenage daughter. One time I went, I got so mad when I went after her. And I did not tell her little when I realized, oh my gosh, not to her, this and this and this. And I did not tell her I'm sorry, these paths and she was angry, she was acting up. And when they is like, Okay, we need to sit down and we need to talk. And she told me is like, what is wrong with you? You haven't told me you're sorry, two days ago when you told me this and this and this. And I realize like, Oh my God, how would you feel myself, if someone told me the same things. And they don't tell me I'm sorry, is like I will be met. And she has all the right to be mad at me. And of course she's acting up because I will be acting up to. Because we tried to say we know as parents, we're trying to think they're still little kids. But in reality, they are brilliant. They're they can be like any of our friends, adults, and they deserve the same respect as any other human being. No, because they're little, they don't deserve that. I'm sorry. And I know many parents, and it's very hard for them to say I am sorry, when we missed up, we're not perfect. We are going to miss up once in a while, or many times. But the important things say I'm sorry, I should not say that. And I was angry, I was depressed. I was sad, or any emotion we were and I should not say that to you. And that's a big problem with the kids. And unfortunately, like to mention at the beginning, and I do want to bring it again, because I believe that point that you did, it was very important. There are many kids, many teenagers are trying to commit suicide. Unfortunately, today in school, my daughter, one kid will try to commit suicide in the high school at school. And this has happened more often that he should, maybe even the killings in United States and the schools are attended suicides. Not necessarily trying to kill their kids and just trying to somewhat soothe me. So one kill. And that's the suggestion of help. And yes, and adults were not listening. The parents were not listening enough, or the problem really is with our kids.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:24:09

Well, and I think part of that comes from it's not only the words, it's not only the responses that they give that, you know, so hi, how was your day? Fine. Okay, so tell me a little bit more about that. Like you won't you always say that it's fine. Well, you know, I mean, school is not my favorite thing. So I tell you that. Okay, you know what I asked you to tell me how your day is because I really just want to know, I want to know that things are going okay. I want to know that you're you're not you know that you're not being bullied at school or that you know that you're you're doing well and if you're not doing well then maybe we can help to support you or someone. That's where the conversation needs to be. Because I've had, I've had a couple of friends who have lost children. And, you know, because when I speak about this, and I say, you know, this is the statistic, and most people's response is, oh, that wouldn't happen to my kid. Well, that's exactly what those parents who lost children told me that I had no idea. And it's not again, it's not about blame, or it's not about judgment, it's simply just, this is, this is important, your child is the most important thing in your life. And if they're not, they should be. And so when you and for some parents, I get it, it's, it's different in it's scary, because they might not have had that kind of relationship with their own family. So they might not know what to say or do. And it's, that's why I call it courageous conversations. Because sometimes you're stepping out of your own comfort zone, and saying, hey, you know, like, you can start the conversation. You know, I don't have all the answers, I just want to try something different with you, because I feel that I'm losing my connection with you. Like, that's honest, that's vulnerable, and it's right out there. So that your teen hears it and understands that Oh, my God, you know, maybe they're trying. But on the other hand with the teenager, if they haven't seen it before, and they haven't seen you know, that you're interested or that you're going to be vulnerable? Or if it's not a usual kind of interaction with you, then yeah, it's going to take the teenager a while to engage to because they're trying to develop a sense of trust, because they're not sure. Is this a one time thing? Is this just something that they've heard on, you know, Dr. Phil, or some other place that this is the way you know, that's not what it's about, it's about really being vulnerable, and saying, I need to try something different, because I don't want to lose you. And that's how I feel at the moment, you are becoming a teenager, I'm trying to give you some space, and so on. But I still really need to know what's going on, so that I can help support you.

Monica Ramirez: 00:27:26

And something also that I see happens a lot, when you're finally your teenager decide to open up with their parents, and the parents start judging them, oh, jazz, you're doing all this wrong. Your thoughts are wrong, the way you dress is wrong. The word immune secure is wrong, your friends are wrong, everything is wrong. And just gonna close up. You need to remove your judgment. And yes, make the music that listen, probably we don't like the way they dress, the way they talk with the new ways of talking in 2020. And is might be different than us. But that in the moment was her judging. That's in the moment we're losing, because they are going to close up. And it's going to take us way more effort, because they already want to remember, every time I tried to talk to my parents, they're judging me. My daughter, I took her to get a haircut. And she chose her haircuts, you know, she showed the photo to the hairstylist, and she gave her her coffin and the banks in front longer and shorten the back. And they're ready to hairstyles, me, we already know who that she will say, however she wants. So she didn't even ask me I use her. No, my daughter is the one that she was she's 15 years old. And I mean, the morning when I was gonna take her to school, I don't see the banks. And I told her what happened, just do hair cut yesterday, and they don't see the banks. They call I was so afraid that you were gonna judge me like, Wait scenes when I judge you how you dress, how you comb your hair, or the way you paint your hair or the way whatever you look like this is going. And then she realized that she was bringing memories from other parents, how they treat their kids, and he was not necessarily mean. But if I did not open up and say it, she will have that memory of other parents how they treat their kids, as she will put it on herself. And he was and that's not even our relationship is someone else's relationship. And that happens with all our kids.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:29:51

And the other thing that happens sometimes too is what they hear in their home. So I can use myself as A personal personal example, when I was growing up, my father didn't like some cultures. And there were, you know, there were always complaints, always different things that he was saying about other people and so on. And as well, I mean, he certainly made derogatory comments about, you know, people who were gay or this or that. And so, when I inhering, those things, it was very challenging for me to have any kind of conversation about anything that was like that. So when I was going through sort of a time when I was, you know, trying to figure out my lifestyle, or, you know, where I was going to what I was going to do and what I was going to be, and how I was going to show up in the world, I couldn't share any of that with them, because I knew that they already had, you know, this disposition, not so much with my mother, but because, you know, she was, at that point in time, you know, very much committed to what my father would say, and so therefore, that was the way it was. And so that became very challenging. And I know that, you know, many students throughout the years that I've taught or, you know, that I've spoken to, or that those who have shared, you know, intimate things with me, have said, similar kinds of things, that they find it very difficult, because they're going to be judged, or they're going to be kicked out of their homes, because sometimes that happens with, you know, older teenagers. And so, you know, that's a, that's a place of, of challenge as well. So then they have to go elsewhere, to be able to find someone who's going to be able to connect with them. So whether it's a school counselor, or a teacher, or a coach, or, you know, in my case, I had the good fortune, to be able to have connections with some students where they would share that kind of a thing. But, you know, that's heartbreaking as well. Because it should be the parents that they're able to celebrate with, or they're, they're able to bring home their, their worst thoughts or, you know, their hardest trauma or so on, to be able to say what's going on there.

Monica Ramirez: 00:32:11

I've already we're talking about the kid said their, their gait, and performing their many forms. But they're so afraid to talk with a parent about that. I have heard so many. This is crazy stories, like getting beaten with the Bible, or,

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:32:31

Oh, yeah, because they're gonna beat it out of you. Yeah.

Monica Ramirez: 00:32:33

Yeah. Or another one that actually they beat the kid because they find out that the kid was, was homosexual. And it's like, and the kid went there or the school or beat up and is afraid to the private school, you might say services, because then you're gonna put it in a foster care, and it's already 17. So in reality is just gonna be a few months in there, and then after that to the street, so they will prefer to stay with a parent that actually been beating them than to go and in the street, because they don't have nothing else. So those stories are so so, so hurtful. The parents need to understand that this this new generations, the word changing, and is not contagious. And it's not difficult. So parents believe that and they need to know that this is not contagious. This is not a punishment or punish, have anything to them need just different predilections. And it is important for that, because they're really going to have a very hard at school with the bullies. They don't need more bullies at home. Yeah, that's a clear case of many kids commit suicide.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:33:48

Yeah.

Monica Ramirez: 00:33:48

Because just that need of acceptance and love.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:33:55

Yeah, we're in a, in a very, very challenging time for, for parents, because they're, you know, again, they're trying to do their best with what they know. And, and sometimes they need to go beyond themselves and to seek out help. And part of the challenge is, with parents that I've experienced, is that they're afraid to move out beyond themselves, because that might make them look powerless, or that might make them look like they, they're not strong are so on. And on the contrary, that's what makes them so much more brilliant as parents to be able to seek out help. Help just to say, you know, help me understand how this works. Help me understand if my child is transgender or if they're gay, or, you know, what do I do if you know if there's, you know, interracial marriage because that was a big thing for our time, too, right? Oh my god, what am I going to do? I mean, And so even just seeking that help in order for you to expand your knowledge, and to expand your opportunity of acceptance, then that's what's so much more powerful for parents than it is to feel that that makes them look weak. On the contrary, not doing anything is a sign of weakness, because all you're doing is you're just thinking about, you know, how am I affected? Or what are the neighbors gonna say? Because, you know, again, parents get caught up with that, too. It's not just a kid thing. Well, you know, what are my friends is going to say, if I show up like this, you know, adults are doing the same thing. They're saying, Oh, well, what are my friends going to say? What are my family going to say? Well, you need to have enough courage just to say, You know what, this is my family. These are my children, and I accept them. However, they show up, because they're children of God, if that happens to be your religion, and they're my children. And so that, you know, they I love them unconditionally, and this is how I am with them. And if you don't like it, then that's your problem.

Monica Ramirez: 00:36:11

This is something that I would like to say, to add to whether you use it is very important. It is that what is more important, as a part of something that to everybody should think about this. You're keeping happiness alive, as supported by you, or you keep thinking suicide, or actually trying it. So how much you love your kid? Because no neighbor, no family, or friends, or whoever is judging your kid with more than the love that you have for your kid? I believe that's important. They think about that point.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:36:53

Yes, thanks for saying that. That is that's, it's so crucial.

Monica Ramirez: 00:36:58

Yes. So what advice you can tell to the parents to search for help when the when the red flags is blue like that? That's the question, what is the red flags? The price you noticed something have to search for help more when they're going into depression, deep depression, or things are not going right?

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:37:26

Well, I think there are a couple of things that I could suggest, and one of them is if they are continually isolated, to be able to start having those conversations yourself and not just say, you know, so what are you doing, but really, like, that's, that's when courageous conversations need to happen, for you to at least make an effort to say, so what's going on, or I noticed that you're spending a lot more time in your room, you know, I noticed that you're, you know, sometimes when I get up in the middle of the night, your latest still on because you're still playing games, or you're still like to be able to identify things and say them in a way that you're presenting information as opposed to, you know, I told you to turn out your life, you know, it's more about helped me understand what's going on with you. So that if you need my help, or if we need to go someplace to have help, that we can do this together. And then the other piece of that, again, is about you know, active listening and being dedicated to, to making some time in your schedule. And I'm serious about this one, you know, be intentional about your time, from your calendar and the time that you spend with your child. Those are elements that are going to help you help them see that you really care about them. Well, I want to give them their space. That's not what this is about. This is about dedicated listening. This is about being intentional, setting time in your calendar. And being intentional about that time in your calendar. This is time I'm I want to spend with you. You can go for a coffee, you can go to a restaurant, you can go to the movies, you can go for a walk in the park, escape a bike ride, whatever it is, but it really needs to be intentional. And even if it's the first time that you're doing it, then you can say to your kid, you know what, I want to try something different with you. And even if you don't talk or even you know, it's still dedicated time. And some parents have shared with me that sometimes that dedicated time could be in their car or in their van or whatever. So they're close enough and far enough away at the same time. They don't have to look at each other but they can carry on conversation together. So if you're missing some of those things, if you're not spending any time So, if you see that your kid is is depressed or you don't even know, then start to inquire, ask them some questions about that. So I noticed that you look a little more sad, I noticed that you, you know that when I'm not seeing any of your friends coming to your house or that you're not, you're not going out to be with your friends, those can be red flags for a number of things, but they certainly are ones that you can pay attention to, to see. And ask them, you know, maybe they need some help, maybe they need to speak to somebody other than their parent. Because some kids are, can be like that, where they can say, I think I really do need help, I'm very depressed, or, you know, I'm so sad all the time, or whatever. And ask them about their feelings. Like, tell me more about how you're feeling about this or that. And at the same time, when you begin to see some of those red flags, you can also investigate some resources in your community. So you can go to your, you know, health care clinic, or you can look up a therapist that deals with kids or, or even just to go for yourself and say, you know, I need some, I need some assistance, in terms of what other suggestions might somebody else have. Because sometimes, just that, as you said, before, having somebody else be there to help support you, it's never, never a bad thing. It can only make your, your connection with your child more powerful.

Monica Ramirez: 00:41:37

I totally agree with you. And another thing, if you have more than one child, and says, Okay, I'm gonna give this time to my kids, it doesn't work like that. This you can have time for your kids 234, or whatever you have how many you have been make at least one hour for each one separately. That's something that I had that mistake that I was trying to, because I do not have enough time because I will over work. And I try to put all my kids, okay, this is the time we're going to have dinner all together. And that's my time with them. And that's it. Yeah, this work like that. Each one needs their own time, because each one is different. And they have different needs. And different stuff, each one of them.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:42:29

And even if it says as little as 20 minutes or half an hour just to get it started. Right, then that, that way they're feeling they're feeling connected to you, and it's going to take them some time to because if it's not something that they're used to doing with you, then it's going to be strange and unusual. And they're going to be squirmy about it too, because they don't know what what's going on. But when you when you give them your heart and say, I just want to do this because I don't, I don't want to lose you. In the end. You know, I want to be able to stay connected. So let's try and give this a shot. But not at the expense of saying, Well, I gave up my golf game for this. That's not, that's not where you need to go. You just need to suck it up. Even if you don't speak for that half hour, or you just have one or two little bits of conversation and say, Okay, well the next time maybe we'll do something else, maybe we'll have some different kinds of conversation. So that it because like anything, it's about building a connection. And it's about building on that, that relationship. And that everybody needs to be able to contribute to make it work. And it's going to be a little slower with some kids than others, or with some adults and others. But again, that's why I call them courageous conversations. Because it really is stepping out of that comfort space and being able to be vulnerable and say, hey, I want to try something different. I want to ask you a question in a different kind of way. You know, help me along with this. So invite them in to the conversation to so that they have they have their country, excuse me their contributing features, and you have some of yours and you put them together. That's how you grow and learn

Monica Ramirez: 00:44:31

And money do not make people more happy. What I'm trying to say is just only pay the bills, money gives some luxuries I'm not gonna deny that. But not because the kid is depressed and I buy them a new dress or a new toy or a new whatever it is you're so stick to in the time that you're gonna be with them. That's something that their parents like, Oh, I'm working all the time because I have heard this I work all the time, it should be enough that when I give them things, that's not, that's not how it works. I have heard that a lot.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:45:08

I just spoke with someone recently, who, because I do work from time to time at our drop in center, which is not very far from my home, in fact, and, you know, men and women are arrived there for a variety of reasons, some of them, you know, it's been addiction or, or, you know, marriage difficulties or whatever. They're just down on their times at the moment. And I had a conversation just a couple of weeks ago about this guy who is there because, you know, he's been homeless, and he's trying to do good things, and so on. And he said, you know, as a kid, I had a, I had a fabulous home. And I had lots of things that were going on, and my parents bought me things, and they put me in things. And I, you know, was an athlete, and I was this and I was that. But he said, the thing that I missed was their love. And it's like, okay, that just rips your heart right out, right? Because he said that was. So as I progressed through my teens and into my 20s, I just started doing more drugs and hanging out with people that were unsavory, and doing things that just weren't good for me. And he said, and, you know, I, I missed it. I missed all of that time. You know, it was fine to do those activities and stuff. But that's not what I needed. And that's not what I wanted. I wanted to be loved. And I didn't, their love was just giving me things and sending me places and buying the stuff. And I missed out on the other thing that was the most important.

Monica Ramirez: 00:46:52

And something that people have to understand that drugs, alcohol, anything of ice is a substitute for something. Yeah. And either kid is starting with that. They need to find what they're missing, because there's so steep doing that, to numb the pain there really. So instead of judging your kid, because he's getting into drugs, and getting into alcohol, address that address that also observing what is the lack? What is missing from the relationship, why your kid is feeling to numb themselves? And whatever? Meaning is, yeah. And of course, address it with the proper therapists, rehab, whatever, if needed.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:47:43

What other supports Yeah. Because sometimes I think, you know, like, I've had some parents who have said to me, you know, my child came to see me and said, you know, they were going to a party this weekend, and chances are great that there were drugs there. And they were a little concerned about the peer pressure, right? Because you get, you know, you get teased about that, and oh, you know, it's not a big deal and so on. And the parent was thrilled that their child said to them, Would it be okay if I tried, because I just want to see what it's about. And the parents said, You need to be safe. If you choose that, you know, it's not the best choice. But if you choose, then give me a call when the party is over, and I'll come and get you. And then we can have some more conversation about it later. That's a good news story. Monica, that's not one that typically happens. Right? But that's at least that gives parents hope to say that yes, some of those conversations, because would you prefer for your kid not to tell you and go out and hide and do drugs all the time, like that's the that could be the alternative. And we all know where that goes. But the other thing that I wanted to speak to that you brought up before about parents working so many parents work thinking that they want to have a better life for their children. So I I have worked as a teacher and a school principal in a variety of high needs areas where families come from places and spaces in the world. Some of them come just with the shirts on their back and they've come to see me because you know in our in some of our schools we help to support with extra clothing or food or you know, a breakfast club or whatever it is that we can help support families with. And they come in they say, you know, I I have two or three jobs I'm going from this job to this job to this job, because all I want to do is make the life better for my children than we had in wherever we came from. I get that that's important, and they feel an expectation from their community. And an expectation that likely has been something that's been taught to them about the importance of work, and, and so on. But here's the disconnect. Now, with the space of having parents work so much, and they got to go in on weekends, and they have to go in and nights and they take double shifts, and so on. What that does, is that increases that separation of connection with your children. Because although you think that well, if I, if I work harder, and I make more money than I can give them more things, right. That's, that's that cycle that families get into. And that's not what children need. And the thing about it that I noticed, and this is a personal thing, is that I just recently retired from being a school principal, and shifting into speaking and, you know, I have a book coming out and, and a variety of other things. And what I noticed is that work is still there. It didn't change, it didn't disappear, it didn't go away. The work of of where I was at that school, I was instantly replaced, because the school had to continue, because the work had to be done because the children have to be taught. So it's the same for parents to be able to measure that out for themselves. And see, really, in the bigger picture is the work more important than their children.

Monica Ramirez: 00:51:47

That's so true. Because they need to sit down and actually, for the priorities straight. And they they need support, to support Oh, anyway, you want to look, you can find it with you can find it for free in the schools for your kids are going there are many coaches, like Lisa, even if she's in Canada, in the United States, and as she is she has helped me with this company with my daughter when I was needing support. And this thing, God after 2020 that we can communicate in some way because there are many coaches all around the world about you, or you can go to your local church, or you can talk with your local councillors and choose one. And it is for you. The problem that the kid has we as a parent, we started where the point zero, so we first. So would you have some last words that you would like to give to our viewers?

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:53:02

Well, Monica, it certainly has been a pleasure being on your show with you. I'm hopeful that whatever words of wisdom that we were able to share tonight that you know, some of them land with some families and if they're interested in you know, having conversation with me or you or you know, they can get in contact with you first to to be in contact with me, then I would be delighted to help them. Because this is really about us moving together and coming and having unity together. And having families that work.

Monica Ramirez: 00:53:39

We want to change the world.

Elizabeth Bennett: 00:53:41

Yes, one. Yep. And we can do it one family at a time. That is true.

Monica Ramirez: 00:53:49

The link of Elizabeth is gonna be in the description. So if anyone wants to contact her, it is going to be in the description. Go ahead and search for her and do so much and thank you for everybody for being here. And if this helped you, please write us a review. Like, share with your friends who appreciate that because he may help someone else he may even save the life of someone else. So we appreciate that. Thank you so much. This is Monica Ramirez, Warrior of Love. And thank you for being in Soul Talk.